Condolence & Memory Journal

hi mom been awhile since we talked I miss you been thinking of you a lot lately makes me sad you aren't here on earth with us never thought I would ever survive loosing you still seems like its a dream sometimes I know you are not in pain anymore and can breath and walk and shop again I cant wait till I see you again I miss you terribly think of you everyday your picture is in every room of my house. mark and I got married finally I hope you saw it im so lucky to have him in my life he is indeed the other half of me and all I could ever have hoped for in a person and mate I wish you were able to have the same kind of love I experience on a daily basis but you were loved by all of us we all miss you very much I will keep you in my heart and dreams forever till we talk again I love you bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - Son   October 04, 2017

hi mom it has been way too long since ive written you mothers day is coming up and I will have to work so im wishing you a happy mothers day now I miss you everyday think of you all the time never thought that I would outlive you I wasn't ready for you to go I miss you and love you bugger and until we meet again I will keep you in my heart love ya

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - Son   April 24, 2016

hi mom wanted to say happy mothers day I miss you and love you

Posted by Howard - greenville, TX - son   May 11, 2014

hi mom woke up thinking about you today hope you are in heaven am sure you are looking down on me hope you are proud of the person I have grown into I miss you every day I see you in every room of my house I miss you and love you wish I had told you that more

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   April 20, 2014

Hi mom I know its been awhile since I wrote finished up chemo feel a little better just tired a lot I am still grieving I cant believe you are gone from this earth I hope you are in heaven I know I want to believe in heaven I hope to see you again I miss you and love you very much mom I hope when you look down on me you are proud of what I have accomplished I try my best to do for others that are less fortunate than me hope you see that I need to make amends for all the things I have done in the past anyway I wanted to say I love you and miss you very much and mark says hi he is and always will be the love of my life as you know bye for now mom love you bugger

Posted by Howard - Greenville, TX - SON   February 08, 2014

Hi mom its been a long time since I wrote to you I miss you think of you all the time don't know if jen told you but I am going through the chemo treatments at the same time as all the other I go every day for 3 hours and hook me up to machine its not fun at all hurts in fact I have the holidays coming up and I am having a hard time with it miss you the most at holidays and birthdays but most all of the time just wanted to say hello and tell you I love you and miss you bugger

Posted by Howard - greenville, TX - son   December 09, 2013

hi mom thinking of you today miss you a lot went back to work after my injury in fact went back 8 weeks early sitting in the house was driving me insane so went back not a day goes by I don't think of you in some way anyway wanted to tell you I love you and miss you very much love bugger

Posted by Howard porter - greenville, TX - son   October 01, 2013

GOD MOM I HAVE BEEN THINKING SO MUCH ABOUT YOU THIS WEEK I MISS YOU SO MUCH JEN AND I CRY TO EACHOTHER SOMETIMES I HEARD A SONG FROM RASCAL FLATS CALLED THE SUICIDE PROJECT I HAVE BEEN HAVING THOSE FEELINGS MY DISEASE IS PROGRESSING OMG WHAT AM I GONNA SAY TO MARK YOU WILL HAVE TO HELP ME HE SAVED ME MOM HE IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE THERE IS A LINE IN THE SONG THAT SAYS YOU LEFT THE STAGE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SONG I WANTED TO FINISH THE SONG WITH YOU GOD JUST WOULD NOT LET YOU STAY I HOPE THERE IS A HEAVEN I CANT WAIT TO SEE U AGAIN PLEASE SAY HI TO GRANDMA TELL HER I LOVE HER ALSO I LOVE YOU

Posted by howard porter - GREENVILLE, TX - SON   September 21, 2013

Hi mom miss you so much cant stand it sometimes I am heading to dallas this morning to have another surgery when I am under if you have time come and see me please I love and miss you bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   August 15, 2013

hey sis cant believe its been a year hope your up in heaven having one big family reunion we love and miss you give everyone hugs and kisses from ustill we meet again love you all

Posted by florence wescott - lumberport, WV - sister   August 01, 2013

Candle

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE BEEN GONE A YEAR ALREADY. I NEVER REALLY TOLD YOU HOW I FELT ABOUT YOU. I LOVED SPENDING TIME WITH YOU, YOU WERE SUCH A STRONG PERSON, I WANTED TO COME AND SEE YOU BEFORE YOU LEFT US BUT I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO. BECAUSE I FELT YOU WASN'T SUPPOSE TO LEAVE US JUST LIKE MOM WASN'T TO LEAVE US BUT I KNOW GOD HAD OTHER PLANS FOR YOU BOTH. I'LL SEE YOU BOTH SOMEDAY. TELL MOM I LOVE HER AND I MISS YOU BOTH SO MUCH. GOD BLESS.

Posted by MILLIE TEELING - GLOVERSVILLE, NY - SISTER   August 01, 2013

HI mom tomorrow is a year since you left us we all miss you so much Brandon is getting so big mom you should see him well maybe you can see him he is a cute kid I know now why you loved him so much I wana apologize for not being a good son I was hard to raise I know I am sorry for that I just couldn't take the situation anymore I had to go it was hurting me too much nearly destroyed my life sorry I went away for so long without contacting you but had to get my self together as you know I was able to get my way thru college and get my masters in business and finance hope you were proud of me wish you could've been there to see me I think of you every day mom I miss you your picture is in every room of my house your urn is in my curio cabinet so I see it every day I miss you and love you sometimes its overwhelming to me and I get real quiet I probably will be tomorrow I miss you and I love you love buggger

Posted by Howard porter - greenville, TX - son   July 18, 2013

Hi mom been thinking of you all week you have been gone for a year in two days don't seem like it sometimes I dream about you and I wake up and realize its a nightmare instead of a nice dream I still miss you like you died today I am just numb sometimes I miss you so much and love you will talk with you later ok love bugger

Posted by Howard Porter - greenville, TX - son   July 16, 2013

How are you today I have been thinking of you since your anniversariey is coming up and I don't want to see it I miss you so much sometimes I feel like I should just let go and go to heaven but I have mark and jen here they are my support systems but I miss you immensely our friend Emily died from an asthma attack at 45 how does that happen such a nice lady well if you run into her tell her that we love her too I will talk to you later ok

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   July 07, 2013

Hi mom thought about you all day today haven't been feeling myself I am so lonely sometimes well tomorrow is my birthday seems like just yesterday I was a teen now 49 don't seem like it I dreamed about you lastnight I cant remember the dream but I was crying in my sleep my pillow was all wet when I woke up anyway I wanted to check in and say I love you wish I could have heard you call me in the morning and wish me happy birthday you never forgot I know a lot of time you couldn't find me I had to find me first wish I never left with no contact for so many years it was selfish then I had to leave you when you needed me the most I am sorry for that I love you and miss ou so much love ya bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   June 08, 2013

Hi mom its bugger wanted to tell you happy birthday I woke up this morning and called you till I realized I couldn't so I will send you this birthday wish I love you and miss you bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   June 03, 2013

just wanted to tell you I have thought about you all day I don't think it will be too long till we meet again I am getting tired of this disease for sure if it wasn't for mark you and jen I would be done I miss you and love you bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   May 29, 2013

hi mom happy mothers day I miss you been thinking of you all day today took sunday off I didn't wanna cry at work with everyone with their moms coming in to eat it would bother me I hope you have happiness and are not in any pain anymore I know they say there isn't in heaven but we never know I just have to hope I ma sure jen is gonna have a hard day she took your death the hardest mom you know how she is about giving her heart its unconditional anyway I love you and hope you have a great day love bugger and mark

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   May 11, 2013

hi mom its been awhile since i wrote but as you know i think an talk to you ever day jen is on her cruise hope she has fun she deserves to enjoy some fun she works hard anyway i wanna send you this poem


you were the love of my life
the light in your eyes
was my light
when you were beside me
there where no cloudy days
in my life
when you departed from my life
heaven was a brighter place
from the light in your eyes
and i am surrounded by darkness


love that poem and thought i would send it to you i love and miss you

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   May 05, 2013

hi mom was playing some songs and i played the one i sent for your memorial and made me sad and thinking of you i miss you so much my heart still aches like i have never felt before in my life except when gram died i wish i could have stayed longer with you when i visited but i two surgeries scheduled and i had already put them off cuz you were real sick and i wanted to see you i am glad that i got the chance to take you shopping with artie and brandon i willl cherish that days forever i miss you and love you with all my heart bugger and mark says hi too he misses you and his mom also

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   March 29, 2013

hi mom thining of you this morning my letters are getting further apart i am afraid i will forget about you or miss a chance to say i love you i get so lonely sometimes i talk to you all the time hope you can hear me they are things i have never told anyone i should have told you when you were here but i thought you would not be proud of me i love you dearly and i miss you mom sometimes i can stand it and cry all day i havent listened to all of your tape u made me i start crying so hard and i cant erase your voice from my anserwing machine you have 8 messages on there and i can not erase them just wanna here your voice i love you i will ttyl rip mom you are free from this horrible mean world god must be happy to have someone like you to stand with him i hope all that is true love you

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   March 16, 2013

hi mom been awhile since i wrote you a letter but i still think of you everyday the other day amanda really broke down and greived for you she misses you and we will all miss you for as long as we live but maybe you can shine a little light on amanda for a bit we can take care of us for a bit but she needs you to shine on her for a little while hope you can and can hear me i love you and miss you very much never thought i would outlive you was not prepared for this i love you

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   March 06, 2013

hi mom i thought i could talk to you without crying i am gonna try later ok kinda down today been sad for three days love you

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   February 03, 2013

hi mom i wanted too say that i love you i talked to jen lastnight and i didnt know you had left some money for us i told jen to keep it and pay for your funeral even when your sick and dieing you still thought about your kids i love you for that wish i had been a better son i know you said i was and you were proud i know i was a handfull but i live my life happy now mark and i are approching 25 years and still happy what a great guy god gave me i want the whole family to stay together but rob never ever had called me amanda does some and nikki does some i have never gotten a call from tina ever unless she needed something i talk to jen alot usually every week she gets upset and i dont want her to cry she has alot going on right now maybe you can send some of your love to her and she will have more strength i hope you hear me i love you so much and miss you everyday i still have an answering machine full of your voice and your tape you made for me i appreciate it gonna go for now i love and miss you so much bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville tx, TX - son   January 30, 2013

hI MOM i know you arent a morning person but you can see this later its kinda cold out today unusually so and they say global warming huh been going to physical therapy for my shoulder i did alot of damage to it when i fell they did the surgery and now i have physical therapy think of you all the time took me two weeks to take the decorations down i came across a floral arrangement you made for me made me cry thinking that i cant call you and thank you for it it gets so lonely sometimes alot of tmes it is almost undbearable having a hard time ajusting to life without you i dont like it but i talk to you quite often hope you can hear me well gotta let you go for now i gotta get ready for work i love you and miss you immensly bugger

Posted by howard porter - GREENVILLE, TX - son   January 27, 2013

hi mom bugger here was thinking of you most of the day been having some health issues gonna die soon i think maybe the aids will win i go to see the dr tommorow i mean monday i am doing physical therapt for my broke arm its painfull as hell for sure anyway i gotta go and get mark from work trying to save money and drive the small car instead of the suburban it sucks gas like you wouldnt believe i am 30 miles from dallas dr i go to and it takes 45 bucks in gas to go there in the suv anyway i love you and miss you and gram hope you can see emma she is beautiful i love you bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   January 20, 2013

Candle

merry christmas pink we miss you we know your watching down on all your 1 of the angels now love and miss you pokie and family

Posted by florence - lumberport, WV - sister   December 26, 2012

hi mom its christmas day and know how special the holidays were to you i miss you more today than any other day wish that you were here it is actually snowing here pretty good too comming down fast been unusually wrm here like sat it was 81 today its 30 and snowing usually not that much of a difference i like to think of it as your way of saying i am here so i will go with that i love you and miss you and gram so much hope yall are getting along well and can support each other love ya bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   December 25, 2012

Hi mom been thinking of you the last few days christmas is right around the corner and makes me miss you more than i already do jen is also sad she cries everytime i talk to her i am sad that she is so sad and i cant help wish you were here it would be so much easier for us we miss you and love you i am gonna have my surgery in the morning at 730 baylor dallas if you can come see me when i am under that deep please do i would love to see and touch your hand again i still cant erase the answering machine thats has your voice on it too sad for me to do well gonna go get mark i love and miss you so much my heart will never be the same this is a hole that i know will never heal i love you mom wish i had been a better son to you hope you are proud of who i have become i wonder when god looks down on me does he really see all the good thru all the bad would be nice to know hope to see you tommorrow love ya bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, UT - son   December 12, 2012

hi mom just got up its about 10am here i gotta go to the dr and see what he can put me on for depression i am not snapping back to myself on my days off i go without showers just lay in bed all day mark says he is worried and he knows how i feel that his mom has been gone for five years and he still thinks of her and cries but mom you know i am not like other people i process things different than others and its gonna take time i keep thinking about when i came up there just before you passed i took you shopping and to tims grave site i will cherish that day forever but i want more. Its almost christmas and it dont feel real i used to get those dollar tree gifts from you and used to say why did she buy me that you know what i would kill for a dollar store gift from you now sorry i took it for granted well am gonna try and do somethings today i love you and miss you so much tell everyone that i am thinking of them and love all of you and miss them to love ya bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   December 04, 2012

Hi mom been thinking of you lastnight and today cried myself to sleep lastnight i have all these holiday decorations up and they dont seem to mean anything to me i miss you i know it sounds selfish but there are worse people in the world god could have taken and let us have you just a little more i know that sounds awful but i wanna be a little selfish for once i miss you my heart just isnt getting it together i have your pic in every room of my house i have picked up the phone several times to call you then realize that you arent there so i have to hope you can see me and know that i am thinking of you i called jen today she was crying she misses you so much also i just wanna scream sometimes and kick someones a** because i think it isnt fair you are gone you were the glue we are falling apart i gotta stop for a few minutes maybe tommorow i am crying i miss you bugger i feel so alone

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   December 02, 2012

Candle

Hey Sis just checking in. I miss you and mom so much I wish you both was here. But I know God had something for both of you to do. Well have to go I'm starting to cry. Tell mom I love her and I love you also.

Posted by Millie - Gloversville, NY - Sister   November 30, 2012

Hi mom was thinking of you today amber had her baby named her emma isnt that a pretty name jen posted a pic on facebook with her amber and emma wish you could have been there it would have been 4 generations of women in our family but it just wasnt ment to be i miss you and think of you every day i am having shoulder surgery on the 13th of december while i am under you can come and see me if you want to i would like that dont know what the rules up there are but i would love to see you i still have your messages on the answering machine i cant erase them i just cant i miss you so much i love you ttyl bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   November 28, 2012

Hi mom hope all is well with you sorry i havent written in a few days very busy at work spent my first holiday without you it was sad i am glad that i had to work i would have cried all day well i broke my left shoulder and gotta have it repaired so another surgery and the guy looked at the other arm and says that he can fix it too so maybe i can have em both working right well am gonna go for now wish you were here we all miss you love ya bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   November 24, 2012

happy thanksgiving pink we love and miss you

Posted by florence wescott - lumberport, WV - sister   November 22, 2012

hi mom we did the outside of the house lastnight hope you can see them i was thinking of you the whole time how you used to like the holidays i miss you and thinking of you all the time i love and miss you if you didnt see them lastnight look tonight we will be the large glow close to dallas :) love ya and misss you bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   November 17, 2012

hi mom sorry i havent written in a bit but was really busy with work and decorating for christmas seems different now that you are gone. wish i could have given you a lung so you could live longer i miss you greatly every day if it werent for mark i would definatly be in the nut house i have had a little breakdown and was gonna check myself in after overdosing on meds it just seems not the same world here without you and gram i dont think i will ever get over losing you sorry i wasnt there when you died but i dont think i could have handled it really but i was there in spirit for sure i still walk around the house at night thinking you may be around or gram give me something i have to know that you are ok please i love you hope you are proud of me i have done alot of bad things in my life thank you for helping me thru it love you so much i should have told you more i am gonna go for now gotta get mark from work love ya

Posted by howard porter - greenville tx, TX - son   November 14, 2012

hi mom thinking of you today all day there is a storm heading your way to ny been trying to call jen i think her phone is out no answer i know how you hated the snow i wish you would have come to texas and live with me i asked a hundred times but you were happy there so i am glad you stayed there although i missed you so much hope that you are doing well say hi to gram for me i miss you and love you very much bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   October 29, 2012

hi mom thinking of you alot today been crying its been three months an the pain still hurts i dont know how people deal with these losses its gonna take me a long time i know it sometimes i even let myself laugh at something and feel bad that i am laughing and you arent i play that tape and just cry i am sooo sorry that i couldnt stay i know you wanted me to am sorry that i couldnt had surgury scheduled for the next day wish i could have put it offf am glad that i got to take you shopping and spend the day with you it was an honor that you were my mom you were and are the best i am sorry that it took me so long to know that love you bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   October 27, 2012

hi mom was thinking of you all day today for some reason its raining and in the 80's wish you had a chance to come and see our house and our lives here you would have known why i am here its beautiful and the people are nice and care about oneanother i know you would have loved it i wish that god had given you another ten years to do that but he needed you earlier so there you are with gram and timmy and harley and gramma genny all our departed loved ones i miss you so much every day you are in my heart and will always be mis you and gram give each other a hug for me please come see me sometimes if you can i walk around at night and think you may be here i cry after awhile i go back to bed and mark puts his arm around me and i fall asleep maybe mark is my angel idk for sure i will talk to you later love you

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   October 22, 2012

hi mom nice to see your faace i think of you all the time still lastnight i held your urn seemed so small for such a big heart i miss you and gram all the time we are decorating for christmas already i know too early but mark really likes this holiday and i do also we dont even exchange gifts we just wanna be together sometimes work gets in the way of that but nit this year we should be together we have 15 christmas trees up so far whew alot of work i am hanging ornaments today and it gets overwhelming i am gonna miss talking to you or seeing you this christmas i know you liked it too and did your best to make it nice for us kids and i thank you for that well i am gonna go for now am crying i love you and miss you bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   October 16, 2012

hi mom hope you are ok and looking down on me hope you are proud i am afraid nikki is gonna mess her life up she is druging and drinking again so mom it wasnt texas it was her she used up all the money mark and i would give her and as soon as it dried up she went back to ny so now colleen can just hand it to her.....i miss you and think of you every day sometimes i can swear i hear your voice or see you in walmart oh and the mennigitis test was positive started treatment on thurs go back again on monday i knew there was something wrong with me that i was so tired and overwhelming tiredness i was falling asleep driving and even eating and thats without a drink :) anyway it will be alright its the non contaigest form from my back surgery i miss you and love you will talk to you again soon miss u

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   October 13, 2012

Hi mom how are you its been a few days now i have been sick i think that the dr gave me that menningitis infection he tested me today so gotta wait to get the results hope not thats for sure i am very lonely dont know what to do for myself dont take any pleasure in anything lately idk why just kind walk around in a daze even when i am at work if its busy then its better dont have time to think of anything but whats going on at work anyway wanted to say i love you and gram too hope you are together and happy i love you and miss you very much bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   October 09, 2012

hi mom its bugger i have missed you all day today and gram too i am not coping starting to be scared mark and i argue some i see that jen fiinally looked at your tribute page and i am glad that she sent you a letter she has had a hard time too i think that she feels that she couldve done something different but she did all she could mom i dont call her very much i think it makes her sad she cries and then i do and we just cry she is so wonderfull mom all this time i had you and her on my side and never knew it i am blessed with such nice people in my life well i am gonna go for now i am crying so i will go for now i love you and miss you and gram hope you and her hung out together for her birthday bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   October 01, 2012

Candle

Good morning, Mom just started today looking at your memory wall. I just haven't been able to. You would of enjoy today because it is your best friends birthday.(Artie) He misses you to.When you see Gram today wish her a Happy Birthday. We are taking Artie to his favorite place to eat today and if you were here you would of been going with us.Miss you so much I can't stop missing you I cry alot and I know that you are crying for us too. Thats just how you were for your family.. Well enjoy your day and I hope you are spending it with Gram so you guys are not alone.Enjoy Grams birthday with her, and just to let you know Zena seems happy, she love's max-man and is eating everyday I'am taking good care of her for you. Love you and miss you so much Jen.

Posted by jennifer warner - north blenheim, NY - daughter   September 30, 2012

HI MOM HOW ARE YOU ITS RAINING TODAY A NICE SLOW RAIN MAKES ME SAD I WAS WALKING UP AND DOWN OUR STREET CRYING DONT LIKE THE RAIN I KNOW THEY SAY THAT ITS ANGELS AND GOD CRYING AND I DONT WANT YOU TO BE SAD I HATE IT IF YOU WERE I WANT YOU TO HAVE EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED YOU WORKED SO HARD I WISH THAT I HAD APPRECIATED YOU MORE WHEN I WAS YOUNG I KNOW NOW AS AN ADULT HOW HARD IT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR YOU I THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DID FOR ME AND ALL THE OTHER KIDS DONT KNOW ABOUT THEM BUT I APPRECIATED ALL YOU DID FOR SURE I MISS YOU STILL LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY I ALWAYS SAID TO YOU THAT IF I WAS SCARED OR AFRAID ALL I HAD TO DO WAS LOOK INTO MARKS EYES AND I KNOW I AM SAFE THE ONLY TIME IT DIDNT WORK IS WHEN JEN TOLD HIM YOU DIED HE STARTED TO CRY AND HAND ME THE PHONE I ALMOST FAINTED I DIDNT WANT THIS IF I COULD HAVE ANYTHING I WOULD WANT YOU BACK YOU DESERVE ANOTHER CHANCE I GOTTA GO CRYING TOO MUCH MOM I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH I CANT CALL YOU AND SAY I LOVE YOU OR SEND BIRTHDAY CARDS AND CHRISTMAS CARDS IT IS GONNA BE A SAD CHRISTMAS FOR ME FOR SURE I LOVE YOU BUGGER

Posted by howard porter - GREENVILLE, TX - SON   September 29, 2012

How are you today mom hope you are well and having a ball with everyone i miss you had to work today little slow had alot of down time had a few crying spells does that seem wierd to you i know you wouldnt want me to keep crying and being sad but i cant help it this has broken my heart with a deep wound dont know if i can fix it even with marks help but we are trying to work on it he is patient when he isnt interupting me remember that its anoying sometimes but he dont mean to do it just he is that way anyway wanted to talk to you today and let you know that i love you and miss you sooooooo much mom it just dont seem the same here on earth at all seems like i am on another planet see you when i get there if i can that is :)

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   September 28, 2012

hi mom its me again hope i am not bothering you i didnt sleep again lastnight just wandered around the house poor mark he just sits there and hugs me and tells me its hard but together we will get thru this i tell him i dont know how he did it when his mom died i am devastated it has changed my whole life i am so sad dont have any energy sometimes i think dark thoughts like when i was younger i love you and miss you and gram too grandpa uncle harley timmy and rob jr and tristin i will talk to you later ok i love you

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   September 27, 2012

hi mom how are you doing and gram and everyone else you are getting to see hope you are well now and free of pain it kills my heart to think you had to go through all of that mom i should have been going to your 90th birthday party and as it is i cant so we will keep in touch this way and i can cecebrate it with you just got home from work am tired dont know if you saw it or not but jen posted a nice poem for you on facebook i think she is getting better i dont call alot it bothers me to hear her cry and i cant be there to hug her so take care of her mom i know you will i love you and i miss you soooooooo much we missed so much together from my selfishness and i am sorry that i turned out that way there were some things going on i couldnt tell you i didnt want to hurt you anyway i will ttyl love you bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   September 26, 2012

hi mom all i am gonna say today is i am very down very down mom am not dealing with this i have to sleep can you help me please i miss you and love you bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   September 21, 2012

hi mom been a few days had my surgery on friday so slept all day hurt like the dickens but he said no cancer still have to wait for the full bioptsy to come in but looks ok so far anyway i have missed you thinking of you all the time hurts me to thing about you i think thats normal the grief place didnt work for me too much church and not enough healing going on so will have to keep writing to you if thats ok with you. had a busy day at work that allways helps me to pass the time so i dont think about you all the time but i still do i have your pictures all over my house well you know how i am with that everytime i come accross one on the wall or my desk or coffee table i cry.. i think that jen is doing better she still cries like me havent heard from anyone else except marlena she said your memory site was nice and you were a nice lady a friend to her i am glad that she feels that way i miss you so much mom i wanted to call you sat and let you know what the surgeon found but i couldnt and made me sad mark had taken off work to be with me that was nice of him he is so sweet sometimes i love him he is litterally the nicest person that i know at this point of my life and i tell him so all the time... gotta go mom the vsiting nurse is at the door to help me i miss you and love you so much have fun and i hope that what they say is true that every day is sunny and you get to see all the loved ones you lost again i would want that for you love ya bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, NY - son   September 16, 2012

hi mom i cant stay long i gotta go and get mark from work too emotional today so i am just gonna say i love and miss you so much bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   September 13, 2012

Hi mom bugger again how are you today and gram have had a terrible day today had to leave work cuz i couldnt keep my stuff together with the 911 stuff yesterday did you go to see it from heaven bet its pretty i hope you look down on me sometimes i know you must be busy up there cuz you can run and no pain i am not gonna make it thru this i know i need something and i dont know what it is something is just wrong with everything i cry all the time mark and i are hardley talking much arguing some i think he is stressed as i am so sad and he cant fix it all and there is too much damage to my mind and heart that i dont think anyone will ever be able to do it too much baggage for him i think its getting to him. I said to him the on friday if i have cancer again i dont think i am gonna seek treetment this time too much i would rather spent my days just laying next to him and watch him sleep i do that all the times i am afraid he will stop breating and i will be asleep sometimes it freaks him out when i am looking at him and he wakes up to me starting at him he just reaches up and puts my head on his chest and arm and i fall back asleep most times when i think about all this stuff going on i throw up its the onlyl reaction that i can do other than crying well i wanted to talk to you so i could say some things i am thinking would rather talk on the phone but i cant i miss you so much and gram also does grandpa still have to use the wheel chair or can he walk i hope he can he was nice to me i sat on his lap everytime i could get the chance maybe dad was jelous of him and thats why he didnt want me around seems like a stupid thing to me anyway his loss i am a good guy and i try and do good but i am human i fail sometimes i want to send you a song so i am gonna play it the song is called the climb its nice hope you enjoy it i love you so much miss you all the time i think i will always feel this way till i see you again and gram love ya bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   September 12, 2012

hi mom i know its early and you arent an early person but maybe time has no relevance in heaven and you are awake i dreamed about you again lastnight been up since 1am i dreamed that we as kids rob and i were on our new sleds the old ones with the metal skids sliding down the hill between grams house and ours and you were worried we would get hurt and even if i was first or rob was first you would make an exscuse for the loser that the winner took a lead as he left first or the looser had bad soap on the skids i liked those days and i especially loved chrismas with you i now as an adult realize how hard it was to buy gifts for 4 kids if i had of had any idea about that i would have treated them with kid gloves i thank you for trying to make every christmas nice for us i know it was hard on you working overtime for us an sacrificing things for you to have.... anyway i am crying but i wanted to share that dream of you it was a nice one i woke up happy this morning but i know the dark cloud is here and will take over in a bit i love you and gram and i miss both of you soooooo much wish i could hug you gram i would have to bend down to hug you but would give the world to do so i will talk to you later today or wends after work again i miss and love you i will forever be indebted to all you two have done for mine and the other kids well being love bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   September 11, 2012

hi mom went to the pain dr for my legs and back had me waiting for 2 hours and i let him have it i said did you have an emergency he said no just woke up late i told him it was inconsiderate for him to think his time is more valuable than mine and dont make me wait that long again plenty of drs in the baylor center do the same thing he does am sure the 100,000 we spend with insurance on my back an legs he will miss for sure i was fumming when i left there... anyway how are you i thought about you all during my wait for dr didnt wanna cry in the office so went out in the hall some lady gave me a hug that was nice kinda thought it may have been from you or gram but i can think that made me feel nice our friend daisy and george left us a condolence on the site today they are really nice people have helped us out alot before when i was sick they are both so nice anyway mom and gram i am gonna go i have to get mark from work tonight i love you and miss you and gram hugs from me and mark and our babies i have a new one you would have loved mom wish i could give him to you he is soooooo cute love bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   September 10, 2012

Howie and Mark I am just a call away
Sorry for your loss
Love you both so much
Daisy and George
903/456/6175

Posted by Daisy huntington - Greenville, TX - Friend   September 10, 2012

hey mom sorry that i missed you yestereday the dr is starting to sedate me so i sleep i am having hallucinations from lack of sleep i walk around the house all night and dont sleep much i have thought of you alot today went to work and there was a song on the radio you used to like and it made me cry it was lorrie morgan and if you came back from heaven and i also like it i cried all the way to work i am not getting better i dont think i didnt go to the grief meeting yesterday or today had to work couldve gone to the one at night but i was too drugged i dream about you all the time i think that is why i dont sleep that much i wake up sad. well i am gonna go for now the yard guy is comming to fix the yard they missed a spot and i want them to fix it right so they are here now ok so i will try and write you later or on sunday ok i love you and miss you so much mom this is horrible i never thought what it would be like for you not to be in my life and now my instinct to pick the phone up and call you had to change as i cant christmas cards birthday cards am not well mom been having some scarry thougts i love you ttyl bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   September 08, 2012

Hi mom its me again went to the drs yesterday i think i told you i have to have surgery on the 14th now think i have cancer again mom i am so tired i know how you felt now wish i could have eased your pain i really do from the bottom of my heart. I dont know what to do take chemo and radiation again or just come and see you can you help me think this thru i am scared. i went to a grief meeting today at a local church they were all talking about thier loved ones mrs houston was there dont know if you remember her but her and her husband helped mark take care of me when i was sick in 2002 her husband died sat last week she sat next to me when she started to talk about ron i threw up i cant take all the dieing its so final why cant god just let you talk to me one more time or hug you again i miss you i moved so far away for my job and a change i hate ny its so depressing all the time dont know how you did it anyway i couldnt talk about you i was crying too hard there is another meeting on monday morning am gonna go then also actually rons wife get this her name is barbara is gonna pick me up maybe she will help me i hope so she is in pain herself i am so glad i got to see you before you died i thik about the whole trip all the time i am glad i was able to take you shopping and make a nice day of it i listen to the tape you sent me i didnt know i was the only one gonna get one and you keep saying i wish you would have stayed bugger it breaks my heart just makes it dust literally my answeering machine is full of messages from you i am afraid that the power will go off or the messages get deleted by mistake that i am the only one that answers the phone...well crying again mom i will let you get back to playing with timmy and little rob ok i know you are free of pain and that helps but ony a little bit i still miss you i love you with all my heart bugger I hope you see the good that i do and try and overlook my faults i am only a man and a son but i try my best to make you and gram proud of me hope you are love you

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   September 06, 2012

hi again mom i was reading the tributes almost all are from me but mark put one up here thats why i love him so much his heart is so big i didnt know till i saw it that he put it here hope you liked it i forgot about that day i hope you liked that day i know i did love you miss you bugger i am playing another song i wanted to share with you i look to you by whitney houston hope you like it i have it playing now well gonna go for now i love you an miss you bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   September 05, 2012

hi mom hope you dont mind me writing so much it helps me. just got in from work and tired gonna lie down for a bit before i gotta go and get mark from work. am having surgery on the 14th if you wanna talk while i am under please come its gonna be at baylor in dallas cancer center. I would love to see you i am listening to a song that i like called temporary home by carrie underwood its a nice song. I am gonna join a grieving group i cant get passed this i think this is too much for me i am too soft for this i am litterally scared as far as i am concerned i am an orphan now you were the only parent that cared about me made sure i had clean underwear and socks on for school and clothes to wear remember those jeans with the stripes on the side with the stars up and down the legs i loved those jeans people made fun of me but i didnt care i liked them everytime that i am in ny and i pass that house we all used to go to for clothes i think of you i know i gave you a hard time about them but as an adult i can see how hard it was for you anyway i gotta go and get mark i love you and will think of you a hundred times a day ttyl bugger
oh yeah i also found dominic on this site he died at 54 if you see him tell him i said hi and i still think of him from time to time love ya bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   September 05, 2012

hi mom home from work had a busy busy day i am tired was so busy didnt get a chance to think about you except this morning when i was home anyway wanted to check in and say hi to you and gram i am very tired cant keep my eyes open at all gona go to bed was gonna call jen she went to camp today so no phone anyway i love and miss you so much hope you can see the good i and mark do for people we try to do the best we can anyway talk to you later ok love ya bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, NY - son   September 02, 2012

Candle

Hay Ma, Im just sitting here at work and was thinking of the first time i met you and your family. How beauitful a place living in the mountains. Ever time I think of you I think of the day everyone that mothers day we supprised you at Jen's and I took the group picture out front of her house with you, gram and the whole family. You were gleaming with love, it showed and everyone knew it.

I love and miss you...

Mark

Posted by Mark George - Greenville, TX - Son In Law   September 01, 2012

hi mom home from work today busy day with the holidays and all i am up for a promotion i dont know if i will take it i would have to travel and i am at the point that i dont wana be away from home and mark we will see what they offer have a meeting on wends... i miss you altough i put on a smile at work they dont see when i go into the bathroom and do a five minute cry i sent the song i am listening to jen for your memorial called i didnt know my own strenght she put it on there for me i liked it the pic she and you chose for the cover is a nice one of you. Have you met with gram yet i prayed and told her to look for you so you wouldnt be scared to be on your own like when you were here on earth i hope all things you want you have now and hope no pain for you it must have been so awful for you am so sorry i know you are out of pain i hope at least but i would rather have you here with us i look thru my family pictures and you and gram are all i see dad was never i think he just didnt like me or something dont know you were a great mom you did your best and it was good we are all grown now a little disfunctional :) thought you may like that. and gram was also there atleast for me i had some awfull things goining on when i was a boy i never told you but now you know i hope that when you look down on me you are proud i gotta go am crying again i love you soooooo much and miss you its lonely here i wanna call you and cant what a horrible feeling cause i now its forever and it breaks my heart love you very much bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   September 01, 2012

hi mom its me i just got home from work.. i didnt want you to worry but i have to go to the oncologist on tues i think i have cancer again i dont know if i am gonna fight anymore i am not strong enuff anymore i am tired and i could be with you i miss you terribly cant get it out of my mind is that normal i dont know i am so confused i hate the finallity of death here one min gone the next why is god so decisive about these things.. i also have to take mark to the heart doctor he is having irregular heart rates and that defect he has is getting worse what if i lose him o my god i cant take that i am so lonley now i dont think i could bear it will you look after him for me mom and you to gram i miss both of you he is a good partner has taken a broken damaged person and almost made him whole but i am still damaged goods he has deserved better than me but he chose me and i love him i cant bear the thought that i couldnt look into those beautiful hazel eyes again if i am scared all i got to do is to look into those eyes and i know i am safe well i am crying to hard to see the screen enough i love you and miss you i miss and love you too gram what a wonderful person you were also wish i was half the man that you thought i was sorry if i dissapointed you i didnt mean to love ya bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   August 31, 2012

hi mom home from work now waiting for mark to get home to have dinner am gonna fix your goulash you used to make or macaroni and tomatoes my favorite i want you to know that you had nothing to do with me leaving and not talking to anyone for so long longest ten years i have had but you didnt do anything wrong i pains me when i listen to that tape and you think that you did something to cause that i just had to get my head together finish school we never talked about that dont even know that i got an mba from florida state then to texas then south carolina then maine then ny for short back to texas i like my life down here doyle is getting on in years when he gets to heaven give him a big hug for me he has been like a father to me he even calls me son and tells me he loves me my real dad never did that not that i know of so i will take doyle he is a good man mom anyway gotta make marks dinner i will talk to you in the morning ok i love you and miss you bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   August 29, 2012

mom i wrote u earlier but i cant take this i dont have anyone to talk to except jen and its hard for her its been a month and it just gets worse for me send me a sign you are around please please i cant do this by myself i am scared not good news from dr and i usually call you and your phone was turned off seemed unreal to me still does i hated the smoking bbut i love you so much i feel like i am hollow people can see through me and know i am not into work or fun or friends all i want is you back please i love you bugger i will be here all night looking for you

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   August 28, 2012

Thanks for the message to me and jen i miss my friendship with you so much i know i dont call much because it makes me miss you and i am not a strong person anymore i cant do it like others do but i love you and i miss you so thanks for the condolenses howie

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   August 28, 2012

hi mom i dont know who started this tribute but it always says the owner of it has to approve my messages so i am gonna do one of my own so i know i will always be able to talk to you ok i will work on it today and hope it works i miss and love you bugger

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   August 27, 2012

hi mom kinda early this morning on my way to work.. i dreamed you were here with me lastnight and we were going to the catskill game farm do you remember that is was a fun thing for me wish dad would have spent more time with me in my life he missed out on a great kid but i am glad i have you in my life i miss you so much i have to head out to work i dont feel well but i got my work ethics from you even if your ill go to work till you cant stay i am happy to have gotten that i feel so hollow i dont know what to do how am i gonna survive with you gone i wanna go with you i miss you so much i love you bugger i will see you soon love ya

Posted by howard porter - greenville, NY - son   August 26, 2012

i WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW HOWARD AND JENN LOVED THERE MOM.BOTH OF THEM WERE VERY ATTEBNTIVE AND CARING. THEY MADE SURE ALL HER NEEDS WERE MEET. AND TO ME THAT IS LOVING.

Posted by HOLLY AUGI - STAMFORD, NY - DEAR FRIEND OF HOWARD PORTER   August 24, 2012

hi mom just got home from work was thinking about you most of the day i have your pic on my desk and everytime i look at it i cry. I talked to jen lastnight she was crying she misses you if you can see her try and let her know somehow your ok i think that she feels like a failure in taking care of you.. she and i love you sooooo much we miss you and love you will talk to you later

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   August 24, 2012

hi mom i didnt know if my other post went thru anyway i miss you so much it literally makes my heart and body ache its hard i never thought about you not being with us and i cant fathom that you arent here now i wanna call you and talk and i cant i tried and the phone was disconnected i cried people say well life goes on but mom sometimes it dont i miss you love u

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   August 22, 2012

hi mom thinking about you every day, i miss you so much it literally hurts my body i love you i wish you had a nicer life than what you had but you made the most of it.. i miss you jen sent me the urn i bought for your ashes i was scared to open it i was crying so hard i had a panic attack i dont know what to say i dont think i can do this i just dont i love you will come back in a day or so to talk ok

Posted by howard porter - greenville, TX - son   August 22, 2012

Candle

pink you will be missed you were a special person and had alot of love for not only your family but also friends. we love and miss you pokie and family

Posted by florence wescott - lumberport, WV - sister   August 04, 2012

Larry thanks for the message i miss our friendshiip i couldnt come up bacause couldnt fly just had 2 big surgeries and kinda week from that if you went thanks if not its ok she talked about you everytime she would see you in wal mart every time so thank you for the comment and also to everyone else who leaves one

Posted by Howard porter - one timberside greenville 7, TX - son   July 28, 2012

Candle

Sis you will be missed,I remember going coon hunting with you when I was younger. Now you can be with Mom and Harley.So sis now it's time for you to spread your angel wings and fly. Love you

Posted by Mildred(Earles) Teeling - Gloversville, NY - Sister   July 20, 2012

Jen & Family,
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. I am sorry for your loss, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Posted by Doralee Mickle - Middleburgh, NY   July 20, 2012

When I was a teenager I basically lived with the Porter's. My favorite memory of Barb was watcing her play her country records. She would sit there for hours and sing along. She had a beautiful voice. No matter what was going on she always made me feel like one of the family. My condolences to Bugger and the rest of the family. Love you Barb. You will be missed.

Posted by Lawrence Kossmann    July 20, 2012